It’s been said silence is golden. Check out this blogpost by Kwame Amoako on silence and listening.
Enjoy!
Angela
I’ve talked when I needed to listen.
If you’ve had the painful experience of missing out on something important, because you simply couldn’t spare a minute to listen, then you probably smiled at the first line of this conversation.
I was 12, and my cousin Dennis, 11. We were your typical pre-teens; significantly growing socially and emotionally, with an ever-increasing sense of independence. We wanted to be like the hero in every action movie we’ve just seen, and we were unstoppable at reenacting the fight scenes. No space was off limit, and if you get the picture, you definitely know the first thing we destroyed in the living room of Grandma’s house. I have a strong feeling you’re thinking her CRT television. You’re close. It was her center table; an all-glass center table accompanied by a glass vase, with a Nemesia flower that’s replaced every two days from a garden near her car park. If you’re still asking what a CRT television is and you were told it’s the same as a Tube, and still don’t get it, then you do not know who Captain Planet is or the movie titled, “The Journey to the West”.
Grandma’s center table was the ‘victim’ of the expressed imagination of pre-teen boys. From then, she devised a way to address these hyperactive moments. She’d say, “Kwame, you sit here, Dennis, go sit over there, and just be quiet. Wait to hear the voice of God”. I am not sure how this got two pre-teens to sit quietly, but there was something about wanting to hear the voice of God that captured our attention. This moment started me on the journey of listening. And growing up with Grandma, silence was one of her unique means of communicating. Trust me, it’s not the silence with the stern look you’re familiar with. It’s simply… silence.
I could not make what I’m about to share with you up. Wonder why? Because there are still bits of it, I’m trying to understand, even now. I remember telling her what she’s saying doesn’t work in today’s context – “…you simply can’t choose to be quiet – you must say something”. Those were my exact words. Guess her response, she went quiet. I knew that response too well, and I know when that’s her answer.
7 years ago, I read that, on average, most people speak about sixteen thousand words a day. If you transcribed those words, they’d fill a three-hundred-page book every week. In a year, you would have an entire bookcase full of words. In a lifetime, you’d fill University of Ghana’s Balme Library. I guess, Grandma intrinsically considered this truth and wondered, if not all those words would matter, why don’t you let what you say count? Talk is easy. Everybody does it. Question is, how can you make your words count? You see, I know this, and so do you. But there’s always the temptation to, “say something”. If feels good to say something. It can even make you feel powerful, in charge even. But you’d be surprised by what silence can do.
Here’s Grandma’s rule:
If saying something does no good to the situation, say nothing.
If you simply must ‘say something’, wonder if your words would count.
If it must be a ‘say something now’ situation, choose to wait.
There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I have nothing to say now”.
You see why I debated her then? I am sure you feel how ridiculous it sounds to be guided by these simple points – I tried summarizing them, but it pretty much captures what she shared with me. Do these apply in all situations, I’m not sure. News flash, she is sure! Guess who shared this thinking? The late Queen Elizabeth II. Though the phrase, “never complain, never explain” is thought to come from Benjamin Disraeli, a British prime minister who served in Victorian times, it was the late Queen Elizabeth II who demonstrated the ability to put it to use. Just like Grandma’s second rule, it didn’t necessarily mean not responding to critics, but rather, limiting your response to a sharp rejoinder – let it count; “If you must ‘say something’, wonder if your words would count”. It has been a journey living by these words or knowing and not living by them. I have had situations where silence would have truly been golden, but I missed the timing. Those are the times I tend to believe how true the words of this octogenarian are, and yet those are also the times I am proud to know her rule.
In a world where people lose their jobs or have their entire world crushing down simply by tweeting, then you know how true a solution silence is. In a world where the fingers tend to be faster weirdly than the brain, then you know how uncontrollably addicted we have become, to our mobile devices, even when our mouth has spoken no word. If you could hear the sound of voices in people’s heads, fingered on their mobile devices from every tweet, you’d appreciate a second of silence to, as Grandma would put it, “wait to hear the voice of God”.
Today, the 88-year-old Dora, does very little activity, and her silent moments are filled with Presbyterian hymns hummed through every exhale of air. She chose to replace words with hymns, if saying something wouldn’t count.
Silence is truly golden.
Kwame Amoako
If you enjoyed this, you may want to check out his other posts:
angelaaalu 